My name is Suzy Kassem and I'm a woman worth a million men. It's going to be a great honor and pleasure to serve as an honest and compassionate broker between our two great nations. And as the next incoming governor of Arizona, I would like to introduce my plans on dealing with immigration within and outside my borders.
But first, I would like you to know that I think Mexico produces some of the very best oysters in the world. In fact, I've traveled the world many times over, and have lived in each Los Angeles and Boston for almost a decade. And up until visiting San Carlos recently, I had always thought Island Creek oysters were my most favorite - until I tasted YOURS.
Plump, thick and succulent. Slightly sweet and so PERFECT. It was unusual for me to taste a very big oyster and for it to be so good. Typically in Boston, we know the big ones as the bad ones. And knowing how bay temperatures and what goes into the water have an effect and influence on the taste of an oyster, I would have to say that for your country to produce such big happy oysters, then you have to have very happy well-fed people living very close to those bays.
Now, in Boston, the sharks are always hungry. So hungry, that they chase after tourist boats that go seeking whales for pictures -- and feed off what is deposited from the toilets. That said, people in Boston are just as hungry and salty. This is why the oysters there are very briny, somewhat thin and small compared to your giants.
This tiny tale of two oysters is quite revealing, is it not? Yet there is more.
In Boston, the weather gets so brutal in the winter that blizzards yank lobster cages right out of the ocean water and onto the beaches. I've even seen entire rooftops get ripped off houses like mushroom caps. It can get so cold in the heart of the city that the tears rolling from your nose and eyes automatically turn into icicles. And yet, the standard Bostonian still goes to work!
In Mexico, the sun kisses every inch of its valleys and people, but corruption controls everything in sight, making life for some -- miserable and unbearable. But still, even with all the blue blood inhabiting the east coast, our oysters still do not compete with yours.
Furthermore, there is something most Americans do not know about the Hispanic and Latino demographics in our country. They are the most valuable contributors to our nation's GDP. I can confirm this from the statistics, as my very first paying job out of college was working for La Opinion in downtown Los Angeles as a marketing analyst. I am also a keen observer and somewhat of a social scientist. I do know the difference between a man seeking opportunity (better job) and a man seeking safety (refugee/amnesty). And knowing what I do about immigration, and being a humanist, my plans for Arizona are pretty straightforward.
As governor of this great state, I will be removing walls and approving bridges to citizenship. Not all, but many. However, new rules and regulations will be enforced to prevent Arizona from being turned into an amusement park.
I am for a kind and compassionate Arizona, and for this reason, I will grant citizenship to all Mexican immigrants born in this country, and to those who have been diligently filing their paperwork for at least 10 consecutive years. If their records are free from any criminal activity and show that they have been contributing to the country's GDP after a heavy review -- they will become a U.S citizen.
Now, as kind and light as I am, I can also be hard and heavy. As a peacemaker, I do not believe in walls. But as a protector and mother of a state, I do not want people coming in from our back doors or under the ground. Would you?
We will be great hosts and neighbors to naturalized citizens who come into our country through the front door. But those who enter uninvited or without following our rules, they will each be fined a minimum of $50,000 each -- and we will be waiting for them. In other words, right after a family collects and sells all their assets to pay a coyote to venture into our country, you must let them know that are going to be paying just as much, or so much more, just to get out out of detention.
As a resident of Arizona, I hear the stories from border patrolmen. Bodies found in the mountains or desert - children, women, the elderly, and young men. Why?
Your country contains more crosses and pedestals to God than any other country on earth. Your beaches and seafood are to die for. Your people in general are very family-oriented and wholesome. I have seen the eyes of despair in countries abroad, but the look in the eyes of your people is somewhat different. Tired and heavy from work, yes. But also filled with so much worry and uncertainty about tomorrow.
If only you could make your nation feel safe, you would be surprised by how many people would stay. I know violence plagues many of your cities, and this itself would grant one of your citizens amnesty to become one of us, but as circumstances in Boston show, opportunities here for our own citizens are already limited. So limited, that one is forced to work in severe cold conditions just to keep their job. This is why I will not be as lenient as the current governor Ducey, who is granting immigrants lower tuition for their education. Let's face it. It's not fair for a child born, raised and invested in taxes in Arizona to have to pay more for their college tuition than one just coming over the border. I will not allow the state to subsidize this inequality. We already do not have enough money to pay our teachers, police officers or prosecutors.
And last, I only have a spellbinding admiration for Mexico -- for its rich heritage, legacy, stunning landscapes, great food, and very warm people. In fact, I have written so much poetry about your country. So please, keep your brothers and sisters secure, peaceful, happy, and protected. And remember, that for every effect there is a cause. If you do not like the effect (the violence), you must evaluate and remove its cause. So as long as money continues to seduce the hungry, the hopeless, the broken, the greedy, and the needy, there will always be war between brothers.
Respectfully, humbly and with great admiration,
Suzy Kassem, future governor of Arizona
